Pvaras

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• Sarah Palin steps down as Alaska Governor. Now free to pursue offers from Republicans, Fox News, Playboy; Carnival Cruise lines #
• Monday: Evil Incarnate. #
• Comic-Con has ended. I no longer have a reasonable excuse to wear nothing but a loin cloth and viking helmet around town. #
• RT @AlacraPulse Win a Kindle! Alacra Pulse: See what opinion leaders say about your favorite companies: http://bit.ly/TContest #
• Pink Floyd should take responsibility for current socioeconomic issues they caused by telling kids they don’t need no education #
• Thinking of changing my Avatar to something more appealing to my followers. Deciding on a pic of booze, cake, or something naked #
• Michael Vick to play football. NFL takes steps to keep him in line, including classes, curfews, and providing a dogskin football #
• I sometimes use my twitter posts as my Facebook status. My FB friends sometimes don’t get it. Obviously, I need to keep you all apart. #
• Vampire fangs on True Blood make a cool clicking sound when erect. Much better than the pleading sounds I make when I’m erect. #
• In an effort not to get sued for tweeting, I apologize to the following: The Stupid, The Sexy, Fox News, People who smell; Obama. #
• William Shatner is trending today. Ever notice that he speaks like he’s KAAHHNNN!stepated? #

• Spent the day off the grid. Had to come back after I had an urge to move to PA and start building cabinets. #
• Astronauts dealing with a broken toilet on ISS. The term “Floaters” take on entirely new meaning. #
• Moon celebrates 40th anniversary of it’s first defiling. Looks forward to future of mining, land disputes, and gentrification #
• Nice guys finish last.. Then go home, stamp their feet, scream, and punch walls. Then they practice being douchey in the mirror #
• Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys being treated for salivary gland cancer, obviously due to his years of spitting out ill ryhmez #
• Pretty people who fall asleep, mouth agape, become less pretty. Commuting: the great equilizer. #
• I just took “Which Horror Villian Are You Most Like?” and got: Your Mother! Try it http://bit.ly/141gDd #
• Watching the original CBS newscast of the moon landing. No snark; this is just absolutely amazing. #
• I once starred in a series of educational videos teaching the importance of intercultural communication. #lameclaimtofame #
• The sign said Breast Pumps for Sale or Rent. Renting is a great way for new parents to save money on items for baby. Also, Eew. #
• Forgot to watch Hell’s Kitchen tonight, but I’m guessing this is what I missed: &^%! Beef Wellington &*&^#$ Fat Chef &^&^% Risotto #
• Hello. My name is Inigo MonTOYA. You killed my father. Prepare to die (See what I did there?) #
• Sam Raimi to direct Warcraft movie. Movie doomed to failure as the millions of players will not leave game for 2 hrs to see movie #
• Hobbling streets of NYC with a bad foot. I’m a prime target for predators: Muggers, Pickpockets, Tourists asking for directions #
• I’m hoping for a Rocky Horror experience with the Warcraft movie. Costumed movie goers singing “I Am Murloc” would be cool. #
• Harry Potter, Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus walk into a bar. Jay-Z is at the bar, turns to them and says “I’m a business, Man!” HA! #
• Yo quiero muerte con dignidad – Taco Bell Chihuahua dead at 15 #
• So many people hand me fliers on the street that I could open my own Lower Manhattan seedy business and sandwich shop yellow pages #
• The Thunderdome concept of “Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves” would work nicely for workplace disputes. Missed deadline? Thunderdome. #
• Sedan Halen #1stdraftbandnames #
• If bad guys stopped pausing for dramatic effect before killing good guys, they would win, and the world would be ruled via volcanic lair #
• Why do restaurants use mascots? I don’t want a reminder that soon I will be eating the cute cow that just waved and smiled at me #
• Just paid my AT&T bill. I’ve been screwed with terrible service this month, and I’m the one leaving money on the nightstand. #
• Was in the background of a pic a tourist took. Nice to know that I will be immortalized for generations in some photo album in Ohio #
• Thursday is Friday’s wingman. It’s looks cool, but it’s really just here to talk up Friday, then goes home alone, sad and dejected #
• Holy crap! where did all of my followers go? people, it’s not like I have thousands of followers! I can’t afford to lose a one! #
• My spam followers were like movie extras in the theater of my mind. Without them, I’ve gone from big budget to indie film. #
• So Brittany Fuck Videos is no longer following me. Dammit, we were really beginning to connect. Thanks, Twitter. You make me sad #
• I felt a great disturbance within my Followers, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced #
• I dreamed I was down 50 followers, and it came true. I also dreamed that i was naked at work. Apparently, I may get fired today. #
• Some of my fav tweeps; Twitter guarantees they are real:@BakeMyFish @stacialynn12 @joesmithreally @blondediva11 @trelvix @mycorpse in reply to BakeMyFish #
• Since all the spammers are gone, if a woman follows me and asks if I want to see her XX pics, does this men she really likes me? #
• Every day, @sarkastickunt gets me hot with her wits and, um, something that rhymes with wits. God, I hope she’s not a Dude.. FF in reply to sarkastickunt #
• These tweeps bring the funny: @JeeNeeBee @Petherwin @girlvanized @Tymethief @carrmah @kellydeal @PolarBear_ @joesmithreally @hisnamesLen in reply to JeeNeeBee #
• Big shout to my man @navanax, and some of the other funny frat boys @lexfri @Phronc @CheVolay @MattRedacted @jbiohaz in reply to navanax #
• Listen up: @BlissMorgan is a real renaissance woman. She writes, games, and hey! she owns a harp! Go to her. Now. FF in reply to BlissMorgan #
• Pizza and cake at the office. Could be a birthday; Could be an attempt to inflict Stockholm Syndrome upon us. Not sure which. #
• A Housekeeper has been charged with operating a “garage dentistry”. HOA says this highlights growing problem of garage abuse. #
• Can’t let Friday go without giving @linajk big FF love. She’s the bees knees, nifty keen, and super cool. And big funny. FF in reply to linajk #
• More funny folks to follow: @avi1111 @ruthakers @JohnnyChimpo @joesmithreally @Namaste411 @PolarBear_ @donchiefnerd in reply to avi1111 #
• I broke 1000 posts today. I’m reminded of the Springsteen song 57 Channels and Nothin’ on. #
• happy Birthday @girlvanized !I’m too tired to bring the funny now, just pretend I wrote something witty for your day. in reply to girlvanized #
• Heading to New Jersey today for a BBQ. I’m bringing macaroni salad, beer, weapons, and penicillin. Can’t be too careful in Jersey #
• New term of loneliness in the age of Twitter: Underfollowed. Previously, only cult leaders could complain of that. #
• That’s great. I was off all weekend and did not see any messages. I was afraid Twitter was done with me #

• Mary Matalin says Dick Cheney is no Darth Vader. True. Cheney would have just killed Princess Lea and shifted blame to the Ewoks. #
• Next version of Office 2010 to be “in the cloud”. Fitting, since Windows crashes millions of times and sends data into thin air #
• I’d like to take my twitter jokes on the road doing standup. I wonder what font I should use in my power point presentation? #
• My cat keeps bringing dead mice to my doorstep. He either really loves me or he’s trying to intimidate me. #
• Family of Michael Jackson fear foul play; being left out of will. #
• I forget sometimes that Monday evenings can contain the same amount of suck as Monday mornings. #
• I’m looking at porn right now, but YouTube Will Be Next. Then more porn. Then a light lunch, followed by more porn. Then a nap. #
• Man drives over Grand Canyon. Apparently comes from town with terrible highway dept., as he was used to driving over huge potholes #
• Danced cheek to cheek with a pretty woman. I think. We were on the subway. Facing away from one another. Wait, was it a woman? #
• Michael Jackson death ruled a homicide. Police claim he was drugged 3 times from a book depository and a grassy knoll by CIA, KGB. #
• Mike Arrington does the Safety Dance. And, let’s face it. That dance really is not very cool anymore. #
• Little known fact: Vampires pop fang boners when aroused. This bit of trivia brought to you by HBO. #
• Fun with NYC tourists part 6: Step off curb, then step right back. They’ll start to cross, then run back in horror from the bus. #
• Pain in both my foot and my neck is making me walk like a zombie today. I guess it’s brains for lunch. Again. #
• Sears Tower renamed to Willis Tower. “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout?” to become most popular phrase in Chicago. #
• Sears holding fundraiser to get naming rights back from Willis Tower; this weekend only all Craftsman tools 30% off #
• Today is the anniversary of Apollo 11. A great man challenged us to go to the moon, and we did. To the moon indeed, Ralph Kramden. #
• Stage collapses and kills worker on Madonna tour. Second death attributed to Madonna, her first being the murder of “American Pie” #
• I hope to win the Emmy for “Biggest idiot jumping up and down behind a reporter during a live newscast”. Huh? it’s not a category? #
• My handwriting has been reduced to chicken scratch due to my computer usage. At this rate, I should be a complete cyborg by 2012 #
• My ass is getting tired from sitting motionless on a train every day. I need the excitement of a repetitive stress injury. #
• Report says that IE6 must die for the web to move on. Marc Andreessen feels vindicated; sees his moment to rise again. #
• My favorite FF peeps. laughs; head scratches galore:@BlissMorgan @dclarex @JeanM617 @MooseCrack @JeeNeeBee @ange_black @kellydeal @UCMike in reply to BlissMorgan #
• Interesting how one “u” can turn a champ to a chump, turning something from awesome to terrible. Life socks like that sometimes. #
• To my girl @JeanM617.. we laugh, cry, we decry this digital divide! .. you know, keeping us apart.. #FF in reply to JeanM617 #
• Forgive if this is a copy; I’m an idiot sometimes #FF @Tymethief @Petherwin @blondediva11 @ruthakers @mycorpse @theduty @androo in reply to ruthakers #
• More Funny tweeps FF @donchiefnerd @sarkastickunt @girlvanized @FriedWords @linajk @hisnamesLen @navanax @Ahmier @bobthecow #
• Walter Cronkite passes away. Mustache to go on permanent display at the broadcast news hall of fame. #
• Busted foot. Restricted to chair all weekend, leaving me nothing to do but take painkillers and tweet all weekend. CHRISTMAS IN JULY! WOO! #
• My buddy @Tymethief calls ‘em like she sees ‘em. This is why I loves her. Follow her, she absolutely RAWKS! FF in reply to Tymethief #
• I just enjoyed Shakira’s latest single, She Wolf, a little too much. Dammit, I had such high hopes for myself. #
• Dear Now That’s What I Call Music!: We’ll just have to agree to disagree. #
• Started the day off with a bowl of generic captain crunch. The perfect start to a no-name, perfectly adequate day. #
• The good, the bad, and the aesthetically challenged #failedwesterns #
• Went to use my iPhone could not activate the touch screen. Then I remembered that Grandpa was king of the lizard people. #
• Couch ridden with a hurt foot. What to do today? tweet, write bad poetry, drink, and touch my guitar in bad places. #
• Cleaned the pool, the bug zapper and patched a hole in the wall. My masculinity is matched only by my constant need for validation #

• Tiger Woods winds AT&T National. Prizes include a trophy, cash, and one of the coveted AT&T wireless accounts that actually work #
• France trends; surrenders. #
• Drinking a real non-diet Coke for the first time in months. Due to sugar overload, I’m about to become really unpopular at work. #
• Sugar rush in full swing. All I need now is a full tank of gas, half pack of smokes, and a mission from God, and I’d go to Chicago #
• Listening to The Final Countdown by Europe. As Gob would say, they’ve made a huge mistake. #
• I just took the “Which Harry Potter Character Are You” quiz and got: Creepy older Muggle who stares at Hermione a bit too long #
• Rumor has it that MJ will be buried without his brain. If they really wanted to study him, they’d take his feet and vocal chords #
• Alec Baldwin considers run for congress. Coffee is for Congressmen. #
• Seeing the $$ generated by MJ’s passing, handlers for Brittany Spears devise a series of “accidents” for her. #
• Love to actually show you one day #
• Hi @tweeteorites Please enable timelines for me on http://tweeteorites.com/ Thanks! #
• Next version of Google Chrome OS to be thought based. Every browser in the world will be open to either porn, cookies, or twitter #
• I’m in a rut. No action; no excitement. My life is the equivalent of a bologna sandwich. Won’t someone jazz me up with pimentos? #
• It’s bad enough that I have “Der Kommissar” on my iPod, but two versions? Does the German version have a deeper meaning? #
• Also, I don’t have “99 Luft Balloons”. Which means I can’t claim the lesser of two evils. At least Nena says Captain Kirk. #
• Why is snoring in cartoons all cutsey and funny, while in real life it kills relationships and apparently is a sign of sure death? #
• I walk very quickly downstairs, while facing forward. I like to think that it makes up for my inability to go up without choking #
• It was great hon.. I’m listening to your song right now, year of the cat. It just came on my iPod #
• NYC Work Day Weather: Significant SUCK IT expected through out the day, with a strong possibility of BITE ME in the afternoon. #
• Why is Bruno trending? has Bruce Willis singing bad versions of soul songs become popular again? what’s next; #hudsonhawk? #
• Thanks, Symantec! if you did not auto renew my virus subscription behind my back, I would still be infected with that $75 virus! #
• I Just received an email telling me that summer is cougar season. I don’t know if I should go to the zoo or work as a pool boy. #
• I usually wait until the last second before I whip out my metro card and swipe it. It makes me feel like an urban gunslinger #
• Oh, that @BlissMorgan. Her capacity for being interesting is matched only by my stratospheric mediocrity. #FF in reply to BlissMorgan #
• She’s a woman that I’ve had some extremely interesting conversations with. She’s made me laugh, cry, and think. Hard. @JeanM617, love ya! in reply to JeanM617 #
• Friends, followers, and spammers: Lend me your eyes. I come not to bury @navanax @linajk, but to praise them. They’d make Brutus laugh. #FF in reply to navanax #
• The urban jungle is so thick with tourists today that I actually ran into Dr. Livingston.. at least, I presumed it was him.. #
• I look forward to @MooseCrack ‘s posts. Dude makes me laugh multiple times a day. I hear multiple is good, so this works for me. #FF in reply to MooseCrack #
• Tweeps with verve: @blondediva11 @ange_black @awonger @theduty @Namaste411 @Tymethief @girlvanized @mycorpse – Follow. Rinse. Repeat. #FF in reply to blondediva11 #
• Michael Jackson reportedly took 10 xanax a night. Moonwalk not a dance, but his reaction to thinking he was actually on the moon. #
• More #FF goodness: @UCMike @sween @74ina66 @ian_Wright @JeffBien @kellydeal @badbanana @mhglover @AshleyGosik @alyssavirus in reply to UCMike #
• “What is this thing called, love?” #1stdraftmovielines #
• “Help me, Benjamin Zimmerman, you’re our only hope”! #1stdraftmovielines i #
• Ok everyone, listen up. My good friend @dclarex is interesting, smart, and beautiful. She needs more tweeps to share her love with. #FF in reply to dclarex #
• These folks always bring the funny: @blankslate @UCMike @smilinbjones @lexfri @JeeNeeBee @talks_in_maths in reply to blankslate #
• I had to adjust the Ph level in my pool, so I had to shock it. I just told it that Michael Jackson passed on. #
• Apparently all of my digital equipment is rebelling against me. Screw you all, I have books and I’m not afraid to use them. #
• Saturday morning. Sitting in my office, checking work email. I hope to shop for some sort of life soon. #
• I just realized I’ve been listening to the Indigo Girls for the past 30 min. I’m man enough to be in touch with my inner lesbian. #
• Cocktails on the Hudson. Better way to spend a Saturday afternoon? I’m listening.. #

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• At Citi Field, courtesy of my employer. Yeah, I love my job. #
• Bernard Madoff sentenced to 150 yrs of free meals, free room and board. Victims sentenced to a lifetime of living in cars. #
• Bernard Madoff begins elaborate prison ponzi scheme involving smokes, twinkees and bitches. Promises 2 shiv guaranteed investment #
• Billy Mays autopsy reveals death from hypertension. Dr. asked if screaming sales pitches could be to blame. Responds “ya think”? #
• I think the SFX folks on ST:TNG got lazy during the later years of the show. Bushy eyebrows and gray skin do not an alien make. #
• This Billy Mays situation has me worried about my own heart. From now on, no more snorting bacon bits and ranch dressing shakes. #
• The subway was so crowded this morning that I reached first base with 4 people at once. I will count this as my first orgy. #
• Billy Mays funeral set for Friday. To be eulogized by Ron Popiel and kept fresh for eternity in the Ronco crypto-vault. #
• Al Franken wins senate seat. He was good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people liked him. #
• First and final show of Michael Jackson’s “This is It” tour to be held on Friday at Neverland Ranch #
• FDA advisers vote to take Vicodin and Percoset off the market. Great. Now how am I to deal with neck pain and celebrity death? #
• In honor of Canada Day, I will be listening to copious amounts of Rush. For you Canadians, copious means “alot of” #
• In honor of Canada Day, I’m going to eat a whole mess of Poutine and then sample some of that health care you all rave about #
• AT&T keeps sending me my voicemail messages a day late. My iPhone has become an expensive “No shit, I already knew that” machine. #
• Heaven begins shooting 70′s retro detective show starring Fawcet, Malden, with McMahon doing voice over. MJ to do opening credits #
• Obviously, the sun is too busy promoting a certain brand of raisin and bran cereal to be bothered to shine. Thanks, capitalism. #
• North Korea test fires missiles into the sea. Bikini Bottom incurs heavy losses; Spongebob vows revenge on Kim Jong Ill. #
• Some in the office are wondering about early dismissal today. I for one hope it does not cut into snack time or recess. #
• Just checking; are we still doing the whole Iran green avatar thing? or are we now using blank white avatars for MJ? #
• Yesterday the universe had its way with me. When I stood my ground, I was smacked harder. Ya know, the fetal position is nice.. #
• Fact: You can’t Tweet While whacked out on the dangerous sedative Dipravan, which you would be taking for insomnia. #
• Narcissism: Realizing that you have starred a few of your own tweets, thereby making yourself one of your biggest fans. #
• K sweet.. Thanks for careing #
• I spend too much time on my hair. I’m not like a woman; a lady with bad hair still gets more action than I do with my good hair. #
• Attention everyone: Follow these people NOW: @JeeNeeBee @JeanM617 @linajk @dclarex @navanax @blondediva11 @androo @UCMike @mycorpse in reply to JeeNeeBee #
• More tweeps that make me pee. Laughing, that is: @Namaste411 @hisnamesLen @theduty @sween @girlvanized @Jezriyah @badbanana @ruthakers in reply to Namaste411 #
• Sarah Palin resigns as Alaskan Governor. Seeking a more challenging role, she accepts a position as hostess at a local Applebees. #
• Seizing the opportunity, a pit bull with lipstick seeks to replace Sarah Palin as Governor of Alaska. Already ahead in polls. #
• Failing to get Obama’s attention with Missiles, North Korea leaves a flaming bag of poo on the White House front steps. #
• North Korea continuing to launch missiles into the sea. Aquaman calls special UN session condemning unprovoked attacks. #
• RT @Tymethief is about to liberate my first beer from the tyranny of the ice chest. Happy Fourth! in reply to Tymethief #
• Enjoying cold beer at a BBQ. Crying and “I Love you Man’s” will begin promptly at 9:00 PM sharp. Streaking has not been ruled out. #

• Watching Ghostbusters. Ah, memories. Van Halen was on the radio, Bill Murray was funny, and I begged a lot less than I do now. #
• This Monday morning was almost a cliché it sucked so bad. I think alcohol may be the only way to salvage Monday afternoon.. #
• Karma apologizes for being so late to take care of Perez Hilton, blames tardiness on time spent with the Republicans. #
• Perez Hilton Boom Boom Powd while sporting a Poker Face. Now has a Fire Burning because he was Out Last Night. it was No Surprise #
• Just watched the Perez Hilton response vid. Wil.I Am was wrong for hitting Perez in the eye. He should have hit him in the mouth. #
• Jon & Kate divorcing. Between 8 child support payments and full weekends, Jon just became the worlds most ineligible bachelor. #
• Ed McMahon dies; spends eternity in sidekick Heaven, located on a couch just to the right of regular Heaven. #
• Ed McMahon dismayed to learn that Heaven is run by Publishers Clearing House; spends afterlife surprising lucky cloud owners. #
• Starbucks guy, I’m not tipping you. At least street people amuse me while they panhandle; serving coffee is not performance art. #
• North Korea threatens to wipe US off of the map. US responds by deploying the warship USS shutthefuckup to investigate the threat #
• Lunch mistake 1 was ordering the ham. Mistake 2 was thinking it was funny when I accidentally poked a woman with a banana. #
• Gov admits to affair with Argentinean woman. Announces plans to run for President of Argentina and marry a woman named Evita. #
• I’ve mastered the horse like trait of napping while standing up. If only there was another horse trait that would help me in bed.. #
• Italy’s PM says he never paid for sex. He did if he paid for dinner and the movie! come on, am I right fellas!? up high! hi-yo! #
• Kazaam pledges to clean up Iranian mess. Puts hands on hips and throws his head back in hearty laughter. Oh wait, it’s just Shaq.. #
• iPhone 3.0 allows porn apps. I can look at porn on the go? I’m sure the people who I share the road with will appreciate this. #
• North Korea threatens US with a fire shower of atomic weapons. US counters with threats of atomic wedgies. Point = US #
• Screw Charlie. Farrah was *my* angel. I never would have put her in harms way like he did, EVERY SINGLE WEEK. RIP Farrah #
• Google Voice looks cool, but assumes you actually want to talk to people. Call me when it starts dictating tweets & gets me Favrd. #
• The maple scent from my morning oatmeal won’t go away. I smell like I spent the morning fondling a Canadian Lumberjack. #
• I just learned that The Meatpacking district used to be named for it’s abundance of transsexual prostitutes. Hmm. How ’bout that. #
• Michael Jackson in cardiac arrest.. man, can’t this guy stay out of trouble? #
• I found out about Farrah and MJ today from my iPhone. Jobs is behind this somehow, I just know he is. Stupid iPhone. #
• Michael Jackson happy to discover that there are no lawyers in Heaven. Spends eternity happily moonwalking on the actual moon. #
• Enjoying relevance once again, MTV begins plotting the assassinations of Madonna, Duran Duran, and The Buggles. #
• MTV dusts off Martha Quinn and Nina Blackwood, puts them to work. Rikki Rachman pissed; waiting for his moment when Ozzy kicks. #
• I’m too lethargic to feel apathetic today. Could be MJ, Farrah, or my liquid lunch. Either way, can someone carry me home please? #
• MJ music playing in my office, people are doing the Thriller dance. Glad the author of the chicken dance did not die this week. #
• How many cases of whiplash will be reported due to all of the head bobbing to MJ’s “Billie Jean”? #
• I’ve discovered the easiest way to get rid of my 2 yr old niece is to reach down and try to give her a hug. She runs; I win. #
• I’m thinking of becoming a stock footage actor. I’d be a success in both the “Fat American” and “Man drinking in Bar” genres. #
• I’m playing loud music and yelling as I write to pretend that I’m tweeting from a party, and not home alone watching Ninja Warrior #
• Billy Fucking Mays? I have instructed all family members not to leave their homes today. Obviously, the Angel of Death is raging. #
• Celebrities dying en masse. I was once a celebrated community theater actor. I am understandably nervous. #
• God appoints Billy Mays as spokesperson for Christianity. Figures if he could sell oxi crap to millions, he can sell anything. #
• I refuse to pander to the Favrd crowd to be on the leaderboard. Those beautiful, witty, funny, sexy people. Nope, not gonna do it. #
• After all of the tragedy this week, nothing shocks me anymore. For Instance, I’m out of cold beer. Tragic? yes. Shocking? no. #

• Played it safe and decided not to race the bus crossing the street. I hope this means I don’t wimp out on everything today. #
• I’m amazed at how often AT&T is a trending topic. Perhaps it should be the first inductee in the Twitter #hallofshame #
• Downside to friends and family as followers; you are limited to who you can talk about, and how badly. I need a shadow account. #
• According to a survey, most people do not know where the human heart is. Have they tried San Fransisco? #
• Train was quiet. PJ’s would not have been out of place. I wish I could shave and shower on the train to get extra sleep in the AM. #
• Bob Bogle of The Ventures has died at age 75. Walk, don’t Run to a beach bar and play Perfidia on the jukebox. #
• Lindsay Lohan accused of stealing jewelry in London. Party girl actress is really just a cover for an international jewel thief? #
• iPhone OS 3 not coming until 1:00 PM today. Apple apparently does not realize there is little else in my life. I need it NOW #
• This DB I’m testing is up and down, essentially playing peek a boo with me. Soon I’ll be playing “Got Your Nose!” with my PC. #
• Show of hands; how many are repeatedly hitting the Check for Update button in iTunes looking for the OS 3 update for your iPhone? #
• Downloading OS 3 now. I’ll either be cutting and pasting in an hour, or trying to get my bricked iPhone to work again. #
• The “yawning without opening your mouth” face rivals only the “O” face in the title for goofiest human facial expression. #
• Just added myself to the http://wefollow.com twitter directory under: #comedy #socialmedia #media #
• I’m glad to hear it! Now sprinkle some happy dust on my head so I can feel happy with you! #
• My beard trimmer has a turbo button. I’m hoping to grow facial hair tough enough to require a BMW engine in order to keep it tidy. #
• Continental Pilot dies in mid flight; plane lands safely. Myth regarding Christian pilots and the rapture has just been busted. #
• Hillary Clinton fractures her arm. Promises to no longer practice her atomic elbow on Bo, the White House dog. #
• Obama responds to PETA by creating the Fly Unlawful Clandestine Killing-PETA program, better known as the F*CK PETA program. #
• On the train listening to Rush. I bet if I lived in the Limelight I would not have to sit on a freaking train for hours every day. #
• Susan Boyle cancels another concert at the request of her new manager, Pebbles the cat. #
• North Korea to fire missiles at Hawaii, orphanages, kitties, puppies, a balloon factory, and Apple Stores all on 4th of July. #
• Mentally prepared myself for rain and gloom today. It’s clear and bright outside. Now I’m in emotional purgatory. Stupid Sun. #
• Trying out TweetDeck after using Twhirl as my main client. 12 open tweets = 1680 chars = twit brain explosion. #
• So much rain has given me Stockholm syndrome. I now hate the sun, don’t miss mowing my lawn, and now know that the rain loves me. #
• Happy Fathers Day! Let’s all throw on a wife beater, grab a can of Schlitz and yell about the goddam dems ruining the good ‘ol USA #

• Todays subway adventures: Massive delays, verbal altercations, chastising, and pole dancing. It was a mobile off Broadway show. #
• Just ended a call with the London office where I think I heard him say “I Love You”. Is that a European thing, or does he just like my work? #
• New iPhone feature, “Find my iPhone”, helps users track lost phones. How about “Find $$ to afford new iPhone every year” feature? #
• Thanks for the RT! @gbrookejr @TVReeh #
• iPhone 3GS has, among other things, video, 3MP camera and voice command. The “S” apparently stands for “Suckers!” #
• iPhone 3GS now speaks to you. Tell it to play Le Tigre; it tells you to stop being a hipster douchebag and it plays Zeppelin. #
• Bender’s Back, Baby! Comedy Central has ordered 13 new episodes of Futurama! #
• Zack Morris tells Jimmy Fallon of life after Bayside; Coke binges with Alex P Keaton, time at Night Court, and knocking up Blossom #
• Working from home is like a drinking game with food. PC slows? eat. Get an email? eat. Like drinking, if you win, you still lose. #
• Good morning! I’m running late today, on a later train. How are you? #
• Girls flirt using Star Wars references? is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just off to battle a Wampa? #
• My idea of comfort food is out of hand. I’m not just comfterable with a cookie; I can eat it nude and ask it to make me a sandwich #
• Jessica Alba sorry for hanging posters of sharks in Oklahoma. I’d guess sharks are pretty low on any Oklahomans scary things list #
• Carrie Prejean dethroned as Miss California; now free to express her views to the dozens who care to listen. #
• Web 2.0 the millionth English word. Can “Tweeps”, “Tweeple”, or “Tweeped” be far behind? #
• Twitionary: Nit twit: Someone who replies to a DM with a reply to all, thus sharing personal info with all followers. #
• Excitement builds in the office as the company softball game is today. Lines are being drawn, gauntlets are being thrown down. #
• My office conference room has chairs that must belong to the 7 dwarfs: Creaky, Squeaky, Shorty, Brokey, Wheely, Leany and Backy. #
• Woman who missed Air France dies in car crash. Fate & Karma issue joint statement: “We’re too busy with H1N1 to have caused this” #
• Director of Final Destination grateful to Air France & Twit for giving new life to the franchise. Final Destination 4 coming soon #
• I feel a bit tied to social media these days, tweeting on the go with my iPhone. It’s like my body is life support for my thumbs. #
• Chastity Bono going for gender reassignment surgery to become a male. Cher can’t “Believe” it. Zing! #
• The conductor on my train has a catch phrase. I feel like I live in a TV comedy with no laugh track and that no one gets. #
• When I see my name appear on Caller ID, I think of future me calling with a warning, but it’s usually home calling for money. #
• Surprised to smell weed in the park today, until I remembered that New York was once New Amsterdam. Then I was cool with it. #
• I follow @dclarex because she’s quirky, funny, and can stare into your soul with her picture. @longlegsjess completes the package. #FF #
• Radio Shack, Best Buy, and Wal Mart are all behind the switch to DTV. Nah, not really, but I love a good conspiracy. #
• The word “Fondle” always sounds dirty, no matter what the context. “I fondled my dog after we played ball” just sounds wrong. #
• Please come visit and friend me at http://www.facebook.com/pvaras I’m ready to go to the next level with you guys! #
• Started the day at The Crackery, aka Starbucks, then off to the mall and the music store. Happy Hour starts early today. #
• Thank you, sir, for the amber plains, but please, cool it with the rains. Seriously, I’m tired of mowing the lawn. #
• Yes, I enjoyed Mexican Night. And yes, I do want to be alone. Before you complain, just remember that I walked away from everyone #
• ..not sure who I’m supposed to be here.. understanding brotherly guy, suave seductive guy, or based in reality guy.. #
• ..reality sucks. So, come here often? #
• *wink* #